Freeze frame

Much to my great-niece Elia’s dismay, I had never seen the first “Frozen.”

“Seriously? Don’t you guys ever go to the movies?” she asked with more than a hint of teenage judginess.

As if. I swear she’s 13 going on 21.

There I was at the Emagine Rochester Hills movie theater waiting for my sister and four of her grandchildren. Who on earth goes to the movies at 10:30 on a Saturday morning?

Lots of children and seniors, including the six of us, apparently.

After the previews ended with about a minute to spare until the movie was starting, I leaned over and asked Elia what the first “Frozen” from 2013 was about. All I really knew was that it was inspired by Hans Christian Andersen’s fairy tale, “The Snow Queen.” And it had that song in it.

Out came Elia’s rapid-fire, 30-second recap:

“So this brave princess named Elsa has special powers to create ice and snow with her fingertips but then accidentally injures her younger sister Anna using her magic and their parents visit trolls who save Anna’s life but then they die after their ship sinks and Elsa loses control of her magical powers and hurts Anna again so she freezes the kingdom of Arendelle in an eternal winter and then Elsa leaves but her fearless sister wants to marry bad Prince Hans and sets off on a journey with Kristoff a handsome mountaineer and his devoted reindeer Sven and Olaf a talking snowman.”

I needed a stiff drink. No ice, Olaf.

And, obviously, no punctuation necessary in that previous paragraph, as I’m certain that child did not pause for one breath.

I wondered aloud how a film with such a convoluted plot could win two Oscars and earn nearly $1.3 billion at the box office.

I know: Let it go. (Sorry, that was cheap and predictable.)

The theater lights dimmed, and “Frozen 2” began.

“The opening song is awesome,” said my new favorite film critic, “but the second one not so much. The third song is good, too. And no, they don’t sing that song.”

Well, thanks for that.

Did you know today’s teens are members of Generation Z and known as Zoomers? They’re also the children of Gen X-ers and the grandchildren of Boomers.

Hence, the term Zoomer, a portmanteau of Generation Z and Boomer, often used in a humorous or derisive manner. As in this case.

I must admit, though, “Frozen 2” was a pleasant enough movie. I had fun, especially when the youngest child had to pee after the first 20 minutes. I took her but then forgot which of the 427 theaters we were in. Crap.

Nothing like depending on a kindergartener in blinking-light shoes to help find your way.

“I think that’s it,” said the 5-year-old human GPS, pointing to theater #11, which in her mind was Roman numeral “II” as in No. 2 (not poop), and “Frozen 2.”

Pretty smart cookie.

We wandered in theater #11. There were a bunch of dancing felines on the screen instead of trolls and talking snowmen.

“That’s the cat movie mommy wants to see,” she said. “I don’t really like them, except for Idris Elba.”

She didn’t actually say that last part.

Another unexpected highlight was when the whimsical plot turned rather dark. (Semi-spoiler alert: I won’t go into detail, but stop reading now if you’re going to see the movie.)

“This next part is messed up,” my great-niece warned. “They’re all dead.”

“No!” I said, with way too much concern for computer-animated Disney characters.

“Yes. They. Are.”

She said it frighteningly slow without any hint of emotion.

“You’re a monster,” I sulked.

At least Olaf brought me joy – and the fact that this Zoomer was just yanking my chain. They all lived.

But I had one more question for her.

“Now can I have one of your gummy bears?”