‘Quarantine’

It’s a good thing Americans are so adept at national lampooning.

Laughter may be the best medicine when you’re sheltering in place with loved ones, pets or all by yourself.

As the world tries to limit the spread of COVID-19, the disease caused by the new coronavirus, perhaps a healthy dose of humor can help alleviate some of the stress and anxiety we’re facing.

Along with silly jokes, funny memes and goofy GIFs, coronavirus parody music videos are flourishing on YouTube. Seems that even in a global pandemic, music remains a universal language.

Some well-known performers, stuck at home with nothing but time on their sanitized creative hands, have joined the bandwagon.

One is Neil Diamond, who changed the lyrics to his classic 1969 hit, “Sweet Caroline,” to reflect these challenging times. No more reaching out, touching me, touching you, your hands or anything else, for that matter.

Instead, he sings: “Hands … washing hands.”

Good one, Neil. (Now I might forgive you for dumping your second wife.)

Ironically, “Sweet Caroline” had already regained popularity when the Boston Red Sox started playing it at every home game in the eighth inning.

And thanks to the eclectic tastes of Generation Z, teenagers like my great-nephew Michael, 15, have added “Sweet Caroline” to their playlists.

“You actually know who Neil Diamond is?” he once asked his aging aunt.

Yes, I do. (So good, so good.)

Opera star and pop singer-songwriter Chris Mann, who came in fourth on NBC’s “The Voice” in 2012, turned a post-breakup song into one of my favorite pandemic music video parodies.

He took Adele’s hit song “Hello” and created an anthem about being stuck inside under a stay-at-home order. Here’s a sampling:

“Hello from the inside,

It’s just me and myself and I

And a stay-at-home order that’s breaking my heart,

But it’s clearly what we should’ve done from the start …

Hello from Corona life.”

And this hilarious ending: “What’s the point … of putting … pants on … anymore?”

One of the most amusing music parodies was of a dog singing about the coronavirus to the tune of Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive.”

Wish my mother were here to see her all-time favorite song performed by a dog. She would still dance like no one’s watching.

Some of you are probably wondering if I have written a parody to capture these uncertain times. Well, thanks for asking. Yes, I have.

For weeks, new lyrics to one of rock band Steely Dan’s hits have been pin-balling around inside my head.

Remember “Hey, Nineteen”? Think of elevator music or that background sound you heard the last time you shopped at CVS, which seems like a lifetime ago.

I honestly don’t think anyone has done a pandemic song parody of “Hey, Nineteen” yet. Probably because it’s from 1980, and no one remembers it, except that cool dude I previously mentioned who likes Neil Diamond.

Apparently – and I didn’t know this until I was researching this blog post – “Hey, Nineteen” is about an older guy who’s interested in a 19-year-old girl. He’s conflicted, since the young woman’s inexperience frustrates him so, especially when she has no idea who Aretha Franklin is. (A relationship deal breaker, in my humble opinion.)

But lucky for Mr. Lucky, with the help of Cuervo Gold tequila and Colombian-grade marijuana, everything turns out swell.

Moral: In songs, as in life, sometimes it’s better not to know the true meaning.

With apologies to Walter Becker and Donald Fagen, here’s my attempt at a pandemic parody aptly titled, “Quarantine”:

“Way back when in 20-20,

We dissed that bug from afar.

Those deaths in China,

What were we thinking?

Moved west through Europe,

What the hell is this?

Quarantine.

(No, we can’t dance together) We can’t dance together,

(No, we can’t talk at all.)

Please wash your hands, and don’t touch your face.

Quarantine.

That’s Dr. Fauci,

We’ll all remember his gentle soul.

Hard times befallen,

Corona survivors.

It’s all so crazy,

Six feet apart …

Quarantine.

(Yeah, we got something in common) No, we can’t dance together,

No, we can’t talk at all.

Please wash your hands, and don’t touch your face.

This crazy time,

Will change us all, for sure.

Make us glad we stayed in our homes.

(Say it again)

This crazy time,

Will change us all, for sure.

Make us glad we stayed in our homes.

(No, we can’t dance together)

(No, we can’t talk at all) …”