Quarantine 15

Rebecca’s the only person I know who has actually lost weight during the COVID-19 pandemic. Ten pounds. Unfortunately, I found them. And then some.

They’re calling it the “Quarantine 15.” Think “Freshman 15” for new college students. But in this case, I’m the senior. Summa cum grande.

Although, I gotta say, I swear I dropped at least five pounds when I finally got a haircut last week. Even Najah, my ultra-sanitized stylist, was so astonished that she insisted on a commemorative iPhone photo. After nearly three months of uninterrupted root growth, there was enough salt and pepper on the floor of her shop to season a Thanksgiving turkey.

Two of Rebecca’s doctors, including her internist and cardiologist, were quite impressed with her remarkable 10-pound weight loss. But it was the heart doc who solved the mystery of why it happened.

“Did you eat out a lot before?” she asked Rebecca, the before referring to “before pandemic,” or BP. “You know, in lots of restaurants?”

Is the pope Catholic? Does a bear stink up the woods? Yes and yes.

It’s a known Ripley’s Believe It or Not fact that we ate out way more often than we did at home. Way. More. Often.

Nice places, mind you, in good restaurants that serve good drinks, as in Moscow Mules and mojitos. We also ordered plenty of takeout such as Jet’s Pizza, Thai Taste and Chicken Shack. Heck, that’s half of my iPhone favorites list.

You name it. We ate it.

Our calendar runneth over with scribbles of dinner, drinks and dessert with friends and family. Our social lives revolved around gastronomical delights.

Then along came the novel coronavirus that causes COVID-19.

Suddenly, life as we knew it paused as Pandemic 2020 erased simple joys of going to the movies, shopping at the mall and buying groceries in person.

We learned to live with stay-at-home orders, obsessive hand washing while singing, handmade rainbow-print masks and not touching our faces.

It’s all been quite an adjustment and, admittedly, an inconvenience. Yet we will continue to do it until it’s safe not to.

Now our calendar is mostly blank white squares with birthdays, anniversaries and a haircut appointment (or two) penciled in. Keeping busy with chores and hobbies, cooking at home and sipping “quarantinis” on the patio in Zoom cocktail parties has become our new social life.

Six-feet apart together. Most often at the kitchen table eating a home-cooked meal prepared by one of us, but most likely “Slim Smith,” as it were. So often that not dining out for four months has afforded us the luxury of actually saving enough money to pay for our dream trip to Northern Italy.

As if. Keep dreaming, signorinas.

Oddly enough, I read today online that Google searches for “elastic waist” have spiked in recent weeks, citing Google Trends data.

According to the Wall Street Journal, body-measuring apps are reporting a jump in people redoing their profiles and choosing looser fits. Plus, some retailers say they are increasing orders of bigger sizes.

Why does this matter a hill of beans in unprecedented times like these? I have my theories, especially since the world is filled with self-absorbed gluttons like me. But I would be wrong.

Co-founder Tanya Zhang of Nimble-Made, a slim men’s dress shirt brand inspired by and created for, well, slim Asian American and Pacific Islanders.

“People are realizing they still need to look good from the waist up on their Zoom calls. But if they’ve gained a few pounds, then their shirts are too tight,” Zhang said.

Better order the husky size, guys. And be sure to click on video enhancement to soften those jewels.

Or, simply follow Rebecca’s lead, and try some home cookin’. It’s healthier, promotes weight loss and just might lower your cholesterol. Sheltering in place never looked so good.

Unless you’re me, of course.

I’ll bet she’s lacing my pasta with Miracle-Gro.^®