Bottlefish and bunnies

I have been called a lot of things in my 64 years and 11 months, but never this. It happened at the Coquina Beach Market in Bradenton Beach, Florida, a couple of weeks ago. Rebecca and I were perusing the market aisles made of pulverized seashells and sugar-like sand adjacent to Longboat Pass on the south end of Anna Maria Island. We were on a mission looking for a talented vendor we see every winter. He’s a metal artist named Kent Webb of 10^th Avenue West Studios. For more than 20 years, the Webb family has been creating handmade art pieces in a refurbished 100-year-old house in Bradenton just over the causeway.

Using roofing metal, they torch-cut each piece by hand. The myriad color themes are the result of hand-painting with heated pigments. Each piece is a one-of-a-kind, artist-signed creation. And they support saving turtles and sea life.

Over the years, we have bought several pieces: a bonefish, a turtle and a crab. Displayed on our patio in Michigan’s warmer months, they hang like beacons on the weathered tan brick.

And then there’s the piece that literally hangs from the ceiling in a corner under the gazebo. It’s a gorgeous creation Kent calls a “bottlefish” – a name he also had my contact info under.

“Oh, you’re ‘Jennifer Bottlefish,’” he said matter-of-factly as he texted me the art gallery’s upcoming event schedule.

“I am?” I answered with a touch of uncertainty in my voice.

“Yep, that’s how I keep track of my repeat customers. You bought the bottlefish last year. You’re in my contacts as ‘Jennifer Bottlefish,’” Kent said.

Of course, I am. And pleased that we didn’t purchase more crabs.

This all brings me to the loosely related subject of names, as in name calling.

You may be surprised to learn that I was bullied as a child, something I have not previously blogged about. A geeky, rail-thin kid with Coke-bottle glasses (“hey, four eyes!”) and an “all A” student, I was the bully’s perfect target. They didn’t call it bullying back then. There were just mean, predatory kids who ran around in packs like wolves hunting for unsuspecting prey.

“I’ll see you on the corner after school,” they’d say after hitting you/me in the face with a snowball, breaking your/my glasses (again) and stealing your/my lunch money. I can still recall some of their sorry little punk-asses.

Not that I’m bitter, but I trust most of them are D-E-D now.

Sad but true, life is made up of predators and prey. And humans, as well as animals, usually fall into one category or the other, I’m afraid.

This may be on my mind because we’ve been watching “The Americas” on NBC, a 10-part nature series narrated by Tom Hanks. Each hour-long show focuses on the whole of the Americas – North and South – spanning all 8,700 miles. Apparently, it’s a first for a wildlife documentary series.

After watching the two-part premiere about “The Atlantic Coast” and “Mexico” in February, we were amazed at the incredible lengths they went to in creating a spectacular viewing experience. Not your typical documentary, for sure.

It’s co-produced by NBC Universal and the BBC, and took five years to make. Risky, expensive (180 expeditions in all!) and some fascinating drone technology.

From the Arctic to the Antarctic, along the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, to Canada and Patagonia, including diverse terrains like the Wild West, Amazon, Frozen North, Caribbean and the West Coast, here’s what you’ll see:

• A hungry mama bear descending a steep cliff in The Andes mountains in search of food – with her cubs in tow.
• Dramatic fighting between two stallions in the Outer Banks of North Carolina – after three years of filming wild horses.
• Baby raccoons hanging out and living the life in New York City.
• A lucky white rabbit with yellow-webbed feet outsmarting a relentless Canadian lynx.

Moral of this story for four- and two-legged creatures in 2025: Keep your friends close, and it’s better to have more friends than enemies, particularly during a constitutional crisis.

Take Russia, for example. Russia is not our friend. Neither is China. Or North Korea. I mean, with friends like that, who needs enemas? (You knew that was coming because I’m a sucker for a cheap laugh.)

Our former America – as in “the United States of” not the “Gulf of” – was the defender of the free world and protector against autocratic tyrants.

In just 56 days, one man and his band of scary men and a few women, have eroded our democracy. Why? Because they can. Particularly when politicians – Democrats and Republicans – don’t fight back, won’t risk it all and stand up for what is right for fear of losing the jobs that we elected them to do.

It’s quite a strategy: Flood the zone with never-ending sh-t. Keep foes off balance. Make heads spin. Control the media. Overwhelm the disoriented opposition.

Make. It. Stop.

This is not normal. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Breaking things is easy, but it is much harder to rebuild them. All you need to do is observe any toddler trying to put a square block in a round hole. After a few unsuccessful attempts, they either knock it down or give up and move on.

What they won’t do, most often, is keep trying. Instead, they proceed to the next shiniest thing in their toy box. Or scream and yell until they get their way.

Now you may think that I’m drawing unfair parallels between spoiled children and the president and his DOGE bags. You would be correct.

Simply put, the ravenous lynx won’t stop until he eats that pesky rabbit for lunch.

Dear America:

Don’t be a dumb bunny. It’s fight or flight time.

Implore your members of Congress to put on their yellow-webbed feet and grow some.

Godspeed.

Signed, “Jennifer Bottlefish”

YouTube video: From 1980, here’s country music artist Eddie Rabbitt (two Bs and two Ts) singing “Driving My Life Away.” He also had the No. 1 crossover hit, “I Love a Rainy Night.” Rabbitt died of lung cancer in 1998. He was 56.