All for nothing

Life in America has changed like never before, thanks to a family of viruses named for crown-like spikes on their surfaces. Heck, even my dog won’t give me her paw.

We can do this, folks. And to think we are doing it all for nothing.

As in, here’s what a “successful” shelter-in-place outcome against the new coronavirus that causes COVID-19 disease means: You’re going to feel as if these inconvenient, stay-at-home restrictions were all for nothing.

Too extreme? Melodramatic? Anticlimactic?

Let’s hope so. Because you’d be right.

“The healthy and optimistic among us will doom the vulnerable.”

When I first heard those words on TV, they stopped me in my tracks. I think I actually got chills, quite rare for a woman of a certain age who received a portable neck fan for Valentine’s Day.

Last week, a doctor’s comments drew praise at a news conference outlining how seemingly small sacrifices today will prevent deaths of loved ones and strangers next week. But this time it wasn’t Dr. Anthony Fauci, America’s leading expert on infectious diseases, a national treasure and the one voice of the White House Coronavirus Task Force I trust.

“It’s really hard to feel like you’re saving the world when you’re watching Netflix from your couch. But if we do this right, nothing happens. Because nothing means that nothing happened to your family. And that’s what we’re going for here,” said Dr. Emily Landon, chief infectious disease epidemiologist at University of Chicago Medicine.

Clear. Concise. Responsible.

Masterful job, Dr. Landon. I needed to hear someone sound the alarm without making me feel as if I needed to buy out Costco.

So, when you’re hunkered down at home for weeks at a time (OK, for us only since March 16) hoping for something not to happen, it can mess with your head, which may lead to occasional bouts of … humor.

Or as we like to say in our household, “anecdotal antidotes”:

Howie: ‘This is my world’

It appears Howie Mandel has gone from crazy as a loon to quite possibly the smartest man on earth.

“I have empathy for this. This is my world,” the comedian said last week on ABC’s “The View.”

Diagnosed with OCD and a self-described germophobe, Howie, 64, hasn’t shaken hands with anyone in nearly 15 years. In fact, he probably invented the elbow bump, now safer and more socially distant than a fist bump.

While most of us are probably safe from COVID-19 by washing our hands, not touching our faces and staying home, Howie had another idea after the coronavirus officially became a global pandemic.

He took it upon himself to dress accordingly on his way to film “America’s Got Talent”: wearing an all-white, hazmat-style suit with bright yellow gloves and a brown gas mask.

Howie’s parting advice to viewers for when things return to normal?

“The rules should remain in place after this is over. Never shake hands with anyone. Ever,” he said. “There’s no reason to touch somebody, unless you’re dating.”

Thanks, Howie. Perhaps you’ve been on to something for a very long time.

With 7, you get eye rolls

Searching for a way to ease self-quarantine loneliness?

Look no further. Apple’s Group FaceTime lets you chat with up to 31 other people at the same time on your iPhone, iPad or Mac.

Not that you’d want to.

Let’s face it, most of us are not as tech savvy as we think we are.

I’m speaking of myself, considering that I had only “FaceTimed” a handful of times with my 13-year-old great-niece, who is kind, smart, talented and knows all things TikTok. She usually calls when I’m having coffee with Jane Pauley hosting “CBS Sunday Morning.”

Anyway, we tried using FaceTime with seven of us on Saturday night. Rocket science is far easier, I swear.

Billed as a “quick and easy” way to provide some connection right now, it took us about 30 minutes to get it right. But once we did, we had a blast.

It was worth the wait, especially for the laughs and just seeing us all “in person” again. Everyone should try it.

Tip: Do not FaceTime anyone without giving them a heads-up so you can at least put on some lipstick, for goodness sake. (Jazzer J.L., this means you!)

We’re doing it again Wednesday. BYOB, ladies!

Bottle blondes of the world unite!

Speaking of beauty, we’ve heard numerous jokes about how in a matter of three weeks, we’re going to see everyone’s true hair color.

Think about it. Mother Nature will show (shocker!) that the carpet doesn’t match the drapes.

For me and the other females in our household, this is a non-issue. A little salt and pepper goes a long way when you’re self-quarantining, right Maddie?

“Good thing you don’t dye,” said Najah, my beloved hairdresser.

Gee, I think that’s the nicest thing she’s ever said to me.

Happy March birthday, Naj! For 17 days, we’ll be the same age.

Dog day afternoons

Our dog, Madison, doesn’t know what to make of this shelter-in-place business.

She’s quite an independent little creature who isn’t used to us being home all of the time. But she does appreciate it for one reason other than food and playtime on demand.

Now more than ever, she goes for a “W-A-L-K” with one or both of her humans several times a day. Even at 11 years old, she sniffs every leaf and every pee spot.

It expends some of her pent-up energy, recharges ours and blows the stink off all of us. Good girls!

Lunch lady love

I know one local grandmother who has a newfound appreciation of cafeteria lunch ladies.

You remember them? The women who cook and serve food in a school cafeteria, and sometimes also patrol the playgrounds at recess to maintain order.

Miss Beazley from the Archie Comics series was a lunch lady. (OK, I’m dating myself.) What about lunch lady Doris from “The Simpsons”?

In any case, the Monday through Friday gig has brought her even closer to the five grandchildren who already live next door and began online homeschooling last week. “It’s a challenging job,” she said between naps.

But for now – and likely for awhile – it’s hers. Every weekday at noon, she provides a healthy lunch and lively conversation for the five of them, ages 6 to 15. So far, so good.

“It’s all quite civilized,” lunch lady said, adding that post-lunch recess is followed by creativity time in her onsite craft room. “Kids need structure, even if they don’t think so,” she added.

They appear to be thriving. One of the youngsters showed up on Saturday.

The kitchen was closed, but not this lunch lady’s heart. Plus, she always has plenty of snacks.

‘Best churdren’s books erver!‘

Gerry Brooks, the world’s funniest “erducator,” will keep you in stitches with his latest YouTube video.

With his usual style and grace, he offers a humorous take on well-known children’s books he has renamed to help get us through this pandemic.

Some familiar titles Brooks has revised:

• Llama, Llama Homeschool by Mama
• Frog and Toad Practice Social Distancing
• If You Give a Mouse Some Toilet Paper …
• Oh, the Places You’re Not Allowed to Go!

If you’re not familiar with Brooks, he’s an elementary school principal in Lexington, Kentucky, turned YouTube celebrity. His educational experience includes six years in the classroom, two years as an intervention specialist and 12 years as an administrator.

An accomplished public speaker, Brooks has spoken to educational groups all around the nation motivating, encouraging and inspiring teachers and administrators.

But he’s best known for his short, folksy videos – usually shot from the front seat of his car – that offer an informative look at education, with a healthy dose of good-natured humor and wisdom.

Some previous gems: “10 ways to spot a teacher in public” and “First week of school stress.”

Walk on the wild side

My cousin’s husband, Tom, who has been practicing “social distancing” since 1988, is probably the least inconvenienced person I know by coronavirus and its restrictions.

This is unlike his wife, Chris, also my godmother, who has been going stir crazy since essentially being put under house arrest at their home just outside Pittsburgh.

One day last week, her girlfriend called to see if she wanted to get out of the house and go for a walk. “A what?” asked Chris. “Why would we do that?”

She actually called someone (who shall remain nameless, but she moonlights as a lunch lady) to ask them about this highly unusual activity.

“Can you imagine that? Going for a walk? I mean, have you ever actually done that?” said Chris.

The lunch lady laughed so hard that the tears ran down her leg.

Full disclosure: My cousin reviewed this blog item before posting to avoid any public embarrassment.

“I think me going for a walk is pretty funny,” she added. “The only walking I like to do is shopping.”

Bless her heart.

Disposable love is draining

Nothing says pandemic panic like a clogged garbage disposal.

With many couples now confined to their homes because of the coronavirus, some of us face new challenges as we adjust to being together 24/7.

Why just yesterday, one of us accidentally plugged up the garbage disposal by accident. Honestly, it was an accident.

Who knew leftover corned beef and cabbage backed up in the disposal, too? I managed to retrieve remnants of what had caused the clog: gross, stringy, stinky cabbage carcass. Then I scoured the sink and the evidence.

“Uh-oh, I think something’s wrong with the disposal.”

(What makes you think that?)

“Well, it won’t drain or turn on.”

(What did you put down there?)

“Nothing.”

We both took a breath, put our heads together and found the original installation paperwork from 1998. After about 20 minutes, we managed to fix the garbage disposal together, without getting upset.

Because when you’re calm, cool and do the right thing, good things happen. Or at least fewer bad things do.

Nothing too extreme. No melodrama. Anticlimactic.

Like how we’re hoping this pandemic situation turns out.