First watch

For the record, this time I did not land on my head. I broke the fall with my left cheek — not the one on my face — then my left elbow and my (formerly) “good” knee.

Don’t be alarmed. Nothing to see here. Just a bruised butt and ego.

It’s yet another injury time out on the pickleball court for this formerly fit 20-something chick and a painful reminder that she’s 62 with bilateral osteoarthritis in her knees.

Before we left Michigan in January, I saw my handsome orthopedist (whom Rebecca lovingly calls “Dr. Kardashian”) and received two cortisone injections to mask the bone-on-bone knee pain that’s worsened over the past few years. The doc reiterated that when these miracle shots no longer work, we will have “the talk” about knee replacement.

It’s hell to get old, as my father used to say. But I don’t like the alternative.

So anyway, last week’s tumble wasn’t caused by anything particularly remarkable, such as hitting a winner with a stellar third shot or making a spectacular save.

Nope, I simply tripped walking back to the service line. Before seeing red, I remember a cloudless blue sky, swaying palm trees and my ass hitting the ground.

I was OK, but my Apple Watch thought I was dead. Seriously.

“It looks like you’ve taken a hard fall,” the newly chipped screen on my smart watch alerted. Nothing gets by you, Siri.

The Apple Watch’s Fall Detection feature can tell when a wearer has had a sudden fall using its gyroscope and accelerometer. (I have no idea what I just typed.) Luckily, if you’re age 55 and over, this feature turns on automatically when you set up the Health app.

The device then taps its wearer on the wrist, sounds an alarm and displays the alert. The watch offered me two options: an SOS Emergency Call or “I’M OK.” If you don’t respond within 10 seconds, the Apple Watch calls emergency services, and highlights your location and nature of the incident.

I hit “I’M OK,” peeled off the road rash from my limbs and quickly assumed the ready position for the next point. And if you believe that, I’ve got a bridge to sell you.

In September 2014, Apple CEO Tim Cook introduced the first Apple Watch, and he said it was the most personal device the company had ever created. He wasn’t exaggerating. Since its launch, the Apple Watch has become everything from a fitness coach and health monitor to a constant way of staying connected.

It’s comforting to know had I actually needed help or been dead — “D-E-D,” as we like to say in our house — after one motionless minute, my watch would call 911 and then alert Rebecca, my emergency contact person, who was either sunbathing or holding court in the pool with The Noodle Girls.

But the call would likely go to her voicemail: “Please leave me a message, and I’ll get back to you when I’m back on dry land or it’s cocktail hour.”

Not surprisingly, I scraped up my left elbow and knee pretty good. Of course, I was bleeding, thanks to my daily dose of Eliquis, a blood thinner to lower the risk of strokes and blood clots if you have atrial fibrillation, which I do.

It looked much worse than it was, though. Coach Joe gave me a huge Band-Aid and asked twice if I needed CPR. I felt like a kid who had fallen off her bike.

For those of you who subscribe to my blog, first of all, thank you.

Second, you’re probably aware that last March 2022 I tripped over my own damn self while retrieving an errant pickleball. But that time, my head broke my fall, I bled like a stuffed pig and ended up in a Bradenton ER. The CAT scan was normal, and they Super-Glued my forehead.

Here’s another health benefit to wearing an Apple Watch: Last Friday, we went to see a Beatles tribute band called Glass Onion at a bar on the island. It was so loud you couldn’t hear yourself think – and the guys hadn’t even taken the stage!

Oddly enough, my Apple Watch sensed that the decibel level was equivalent to being inside an airplane engine while blow drying your hair.

Here’s what the alert said: “Loud Environment. Sound levels hit 90 decibels. Around 30 minutes at this level can cause temporary hearing loss.”

Good grief. Lord knows, I’m already deaf in one ear. Between that and the wobbly knees, maybe I should stay home and play my own tunes on our Echo Show 8 device.

“Alexa, please turn down the music,” I’d say if it was too loud.

“No problem,” she would answer. “Holler if you’d like me to call 911.”