Oh … fudge!

What kind of world allows this sort of injustice? Where’s the outrage? If my blog software allowed them, I’d use a cluster of “hair on fire” emojis right now. Reading a Detroit Free Press story last week about a special, one-time screening of the 1983 movie “A Christmas Story” at a local theater, I learned there was going to be a pre-show Q&A with actors Zack Ward and Yano Anaya, the two little turds who bullied and terrified kids walking to and from school. They’re better known as Scott “Scut” Farkus and his sidekick Grover Dill.

To be honest, Rebecca saw the article first and thought I’d like to go. She knows how much I love that movie and how I insist we watch it every Christmas.

“Maybe you could take one of your friends,” she said, barely lifting up that pretty little head from her daily crossword puzzle.

Naughty and nice.

You know the story: Based on the humorous writings and radio broadcasts of author Jean Shepherd (also the movie’s narrator), this beloved holiday classic set in December 1939 follows the exploits of Ralphie Parker, who spends most of his time dodging bullies and dreaming of his ideal Christmas gift: a Red Ryder Carbine Action 200-shot range model air rifle. Often at odds with his cranky, potty-mouthed dad, Ralphie is comforted by his doting mother as he struggles to make it to Christmas Day with his glasses and high hopes intact. Ralphie’s desire is continuously rejected, first by his mother, who tells him, “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.”

As a youngster, I never wanted an air rifle, but I sure could relate to the film’s bullying scenes. If you haven’t seen the movie, watch it. Then call me, and we’ll discuss our favorite lines over a glass of Ovaltine.

If you’ve watched it as many times as I have, then you know what it means to see your childhood flash before your eyes. Yes, Virginia, in my case it was my “four eyes.” I wore Coke-bottle glasses, got straight As and found Syrian bread packed in my lunch bag. Every. Single. Day.

No one ever wanted to trade sandwiches with me. This was the 1960s, and pita was not yet cool.

All I ever wanted for Christmas was a loaf of Wonder bread.

So, after going online to try and score a couple of tickets to the screening and getting annoyed that it was already sold out (thanks for not printing the story well in advance, Free Press), I decided to do some research on those two bullies.

Guess what I discovered after digging down the Google search rabbit hole? Zack Ward, the actor who played Farkus gets $900 in annual royalties for “A Christmas Story” – and Ralphie Parker doesn’t.

WTFlick? I’d drop a dime on Mrs. Parker, but she’s no longer with us.

That’s right, yuletide film aficionados. Peter Billingsley, now a grown-ass man of 53, doesn’t get a single cent whenever that movie appears on the small screen. Or the big screen, for that matter. Zero, zip, nada. “Oh … fudge!” as Ralphie would say.

Maybe the poor kid needed a better agent.

Doesn’t matter. It was Ralphie who starred in that classic, not Farkus. I’d rather they gave royalties to that hideous leg lamp before the redheaded bully in a raccoon hat!

Ward and Ayano are also both in their 50s now, apparently showing up and giving Q&As around the country every holiday season instead of Ralphie and his little brother, Randy.

(Aside: By the way, the actor who played Randy, Ian Petrella, is now 50. He’s a puppeteer. Why am I not surprised?)

I’ve got to run, my little elves. Rebecca hates it when I swear, and I fear she’s gonna make me eat a bar of soap. Or put on the pink bunny suit from Aunt Clara.

It’s four more days till Christmas. I don’t know about you, but we’re sending lumps of coal to all bullies past and present, real or imagined.

Be brave. Or brave enough. Even if they triple dog dare ya!

(VIDEO: Here’s a 35-second clip of what Ralphie said while helping his father change a tire in “A Christmas Story.”)