Iguana blanket

This morning in Punxsutawney, Pa., the groundhog known as Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his cozy burrow on Gobbler’s Knob and saw his shadow, predicting six more weeks of winter. Great. Just great. Thanks for nothing, Phil. It has been a frigid January for most of the nation. The coldest air in 16 years! Even tiny Florida scrub lizards are freezing in place down here. It takes a lot to stop these little buggers. When startled, they usually scurry away like they’ve had one too many espressos. Not anymore. Sadly, they’re stuck mid-stride on pavements. Hundreds of 10-pound frozen iguanas are falling out of palm trees. It’s an amphibious Armageddon across the Sunshine State. Florida residents have walked neighborhoods picking up seemingly dead and cold-stunned iguanas. Tip: They may look “D-E-D,” but they usually warm up — and wake up! — after spending some time in the sun. Scientifically, it’s known as a state of “torpor,” where they temporarily lose muscle control and appear frozen, which is why they fall. Personally, I have never seen this happen — with an iguana, I mean. But there was that time we bought those delayed-onset cannabis edibles in 2021.

By the way, legend has it that these prehistoric-like creatures arrived in Florida back in the 1960s through the exotic pet trade. Some escaped or were released by their owners when they grew too large. Others were here illegally, arriving as stowaways on cargo ships from Central/South America and the Caribbean.

Well-known carriers of diseases such as Salmonella bacteria who damage property, these breeders also don’t pay their taxes, thus driving down wages and putting a strain on public infrastructure, education and health care.

Let’s round them up and send them back to where they came from, shall we? We’ve already got them on ice.

Sorry, couldn’t resist.

Speaking of West Palm Beach, a minor league baseball team there will suit up as the Frozen Iguanas for all 12 of their home games this season. They are more formally known as the Palm Beach Cardinals, a St. Louis affiliate in the Single-A Florida State League. Look for the Ice-Cold 12 Pack special package sponsored by iguana removal company, IggyTrap. (I’m not fibbing this time.)

So, what did I do when this bitter battle descended upon us last week? Made a pot of chili. If I had waited, we could’ve had iguana stew.

Meanwhile, back home in polar vortex Michigan, concerned citizens at a Rochester Hills Walmart got creative over the weekend. Dozens flocked to the retailer where we never shop on a bitterly cold and snowy Saturday to buy salt, ice melt, ice scrapers and Ice Breakers candy.

Are you feeling the vibe here?

Then, after they purchased the items, they got in line to return them. And they did this several times.

Stand Up Indivisible of Rochester (Michigan) organized the protest after they heard that U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement federal agents had been at the store. Walmart did not respond for comment.

Quite a bold statement from our community. Bravo.

Perhaps by standing together and continuing to fight the “cruelty-is-the-point” treatment of people — who may be in this country illegally like iguanas, or not — we can ice out the madness.

As Puerto Rican rapper Bad Bunny said last night in his Grammy acceptance speech when he won Album of the Year: “We are not aliens. We are humans.”

(YouTube video: Here’s the British-American rock band Foreigner performing their haunting hit “Cold As Ice” from 1977. The song regained popularity after being featured on Netflix series “Stranger Things” in Season 3. “You’re digging for gold/You’re throwing away/A fortune in feelings/But someday you’ll pay.”)